Part Of The List
Ne-Yo
2009 

• The girl is very beautiful.
• The story is equally interesting.
• A million people with a million opinions, I bet.
• Two sides, baby. Two sides.

:(

I’m taking a break from my studying for tomorrow’s (later’s) exam so I’m taking this chance to share a simple thought - one which I’ve been having since forever but never really as heavily as now. It’s a “life” thing… But the thought was triggered by a bag. Yes.

The other day, I bought a bag. It wasn’t the bag people who know me would think I’d own. It was “not-me” in every angle, but everyone has sides and stories unknown to others. This bag sort of represented that side of me.

(Inward, clockwise: (1) These are all the colors the bag came in. (2) Zipper wasn’t the cheap, almost plasticky kind. It’s really of a nice quality. That’s a big thing for me ‘cause nobody wants zippers opening on both sides or chewing on themselves! (3) Stitching is doubled! Perfect for someone like me who takes absolutely no care at pulling my bag from places! (4) The front lock is a charm! Zoom in to the button and you’ll see me taking a photo of it! HAHA! (5) Voila, my new bag, minus the hand and the shoulder strap.)

I won’t show the bag as a whole but I guarantee you guys, a hundred percent, that I’ve never owned something like this. Sure, I’ve used some from my mom’s bags, but never had my own. This. Is. A girly-girl bag! :-O

I am not the brand conscious type, and as long as the bag fits my (uuhhhmazing) Slate Planner, my camera, my pens, and as long as it’s stitched properly and has all its compartments secured (for commute purposes), then it’s good to go.

I got this from a department store, and I wish I knew the brand. It only had a plain tag with a sticker that had Chinese characters on it. Pretty weird for the store to handle such products, but they had tons of these character bag designs with the same tag on. Screw branding. Haha!

Displayed were 4 bags of the same design with different color combinations, this one (with brown, aqua, sea foam green, and orange) being just my second choice, to the one with yellow sides. I figured I’d dirty that quickly so I chose this instead.

It’s not expensive, but it’s worth beyond its value for how it looks so it makes me real proud having it at a good value. Plus! I really needed a bag.

I’m reminded of the reasons I don’t like shopping. Well, it is fun and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a good feeling - thrilling yourself with eyecandy and treating yourself with items in exchange of hard-earned (or easily handed) cash. But I guess I never really wanted to spoil myself with buying wants so much as buying needs.

Last week, I lost my favorite ring. It was given by John (which I sort of nagged him for, actually). It was a cheap ring so I knew it would tarnish within weeks. I spray painted it black last month since the silver was chipping off. HAHA! I had to do everything to keep it alive because I loved it dearly. Almost as an extension of me.

The day I lost it, I was with John. And as shallow as some may think it, I cried my heart out. He pulled me to the same shop where we got it so we could choose a new one but I kept telling him that wasn’t the point. He bought me Hokkaido from Serenitea, instead. That one, I wouldn’t let pass! Hahaha!

The same day, I lost my beaded, ethnic bracelet. It wasn’t a favorite but it meant a lot to me since it came from family.

On my way home, I thought of how nice it would have been to have sensors on all our important things so we could track them if they’d get lost. But all I could really think of was how everything in life is temporary.

No matter how important or how utterly useless things are, they are all equally temporary.

Call me sick and insane but the smallest moments like these ones really trigger my thoughts.

I don’t like shopping for wants because it only adds to the material things I know I might lose eventually after allowing them to become extensions of myself - parts of my being. It’s not something that will make me cry, just to make it clear, but it’s something I find no immediate purpose for.

This, of course, comes with no intention to offend the many people out there who love spending for new things. There is a form of happiness that goes with the things we love to do, and I respect that entirely. In fact, in an essence, I may not like it, but I still relate, totally. I guess, my joy in shopping is that part of finding meaning in myself.

Some people buy their stuff to look good, feel good, and create an impression. These things make them happy. Some people get into jobs just to earn a lot of money. And the money is used for stuff that they want. When they have those, they become happy.

But where do we go from here, people? Everyday, we wake up, do our routines, go to school to get a diploma, get a diploma to find the best job, find the best job to earn, earn to survive, survive to have the energy to work, work to get money, money to buy things to survive… When are we ever fully satisfied?

Even the richest people get hungry. Even if you have it all, you are never 100% satisfied.

So I’d like to take shortcuts. Perhaps the shortcut of getting a job that immediately makes me happy and not wait for the happiness attached to a paycheck; the shortcut of buying the things that immediately make me happy, doing activities that immediately make me smile, and spending time with the people who are the joys of my life.

These are good, happy shortcuts - shortcuts to joy. Not so much to satisfaction. Because these two may seem alike, but these are extremely different in nature.

And intentions? That’s another story.

(via ilovekashilario):

National Artist Napoleon Abueva, dubbed as the Father of Modern Philippine Sculpture, is in dire need of blood donors after a bladder rupture.

Please contact Amihan Abueva at 0917-801-8166.

For the information of my fellow Isko’s and Iska’s, this is the man behind the replicas of the Oblation in several U.P. chapters: Los Baños, Baguio, Tacloban, Miag-ao and Mindanao, as well as the Nine Muses (Ang Mga Diwata ng Sining) in U.P. Diliman, among others.

OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE STOPPED BLOGGING

• I haven’t stopped writing, though
• I missed Tumblr
• I will blog again
• There’s so much I’ve been meaning to share to you guys

…but I’m not. Not yet. I’ve been thinking. Ignoring my ringing, beeping, buzzing, vibrating phone. Ignoring the beautiful Angel Aquino and her wonderful gown on this award show aired tonight on channel two. Ignoring the nail polish chipping off from my right pinky.

I mean… I try to ignore these. But the more we focus on ignoring, the more we really notice things.

It’s just me, I guess. I overthink a lot. And there’s so much I’m seeing in myself that I think I shouldn’t be seeing.

We all have days (or nights) like this, maybe. And this is good. For me, at least. I love thinking. Me-times are productive and often helpful.

I’m going through the classic dilemma: “this is wrong but it feels so right.” Have you ever gone through the same?

Guide me, Lord. I’m coming back.

//

Till I’m Gone (Tinie Tempah ft. Wiz Khalifa)
Toestah x Joseph Vincent

• The music
• The colors
• The shots
• The life
• The attitude
• The mood
• The identity
• Their shoes

Mad love for this vid.

(Directed, shot, and edited by DuNo Tran)

Yesterday’s entry was hella lengthy so I’ll keep this one short - just like my new do.

As promised last night, here’s my new cut! It’s more me now. Long hair suits my face, but this one suits my soul ;)

(It doesn’t show here but the longer side is layered and almost feathery. Love it!)

Miss Lynn Park of Hair Click (located at Bel-Air, Makati) gave me this gift after a one-word dialogue.

Short? Long? Here? Okay. Dry. Cut? More? This? Okay.

She was so soft-spoken. Really cheerful and pleasant - her and all the staff. She’s really good, too. You just know when people know exactly what they’re doing.

Everyone at the place was kind and very accommodating. No one came off as snobbish and intimidating as in some other salons.

John came with me as he was the one who introduced me to the place. Ms. Lynn even fixed his hair after chopping mine off. She’s so sweet :) while waiting, John was served a glass of iced tea. Mind you, I was very particular about how the napkin was wrapped around the glass! I liked the feel of the place. (Plus I like the old set of chairs and tables where John waited. Too bad I had no camera to take a picture of it with).

What’s nice about this place, much like what I said about Zone 5 in yesterday’s entry, was that money didn’t rule the air. Everyone was always about service. Today, I paid slightly more than what I used to pay for a new do, but everything’s sulit :)

I think I miss my long hair. I froze for a second when I saw about eight inches of my hair instantly chopped off. But I like how it looks (and feels) now!

Today also happens to be a special day for John and I. Hooray! Happy day!

[Visit Hair Click @ 37 Polaris St., Bel-Air, Makati City;
Tel +632 896 7000]

Note: My quite tolerable face will be all over this entry. I apologize immensely. Teeeheeee.

//

Yesterday, our block had such a colorful half-day shoot for our graduation photos. A lot of people looked forward to it for many different reasons. Mine, as most of my Twitter followers may already know, was unrelated to our graduation, or even to school for that matter. I only looked forward to the shoot so I could have my hair finally chopped off short again. I grew my hair extra long for this ‘cause I had short hair for my High School graduation photo.

But before I blog about my hair story (and pretend y’all care about it), allow me to share yesterday’s experience (and still pretend you guys are interested).

We were all entitled 4 shots/themes, one Filipiniana, one Toga, one Creative, and if availed, one Formal shot, too! I availed of all four and the shoot was pretty much a breeze for me. It was the week that came before yesterday which really wasn’t breezy for me - and probably for a lot of us, too.

Planning for creative shot ideas went on the moment Elisha, our block rep, asked for our concepts. And since I wasn’t a fan of costumes on photos, I was down for a beauty shot in a heartbeat. In my head though, I knew I wanted to be different from all the beauty shots that would get published in our yearbook. And I still wanted some identity going on, so I chose to go ethnic - like some tribal princess of some sort. I mean… That theme kinda fit me, I suppose. *Checks jawline and skin color.*

Few days before the shoot, I texted my high school friend, Miko, to help me out with color, etc. She does absolutely amazing makeup. I swear, you have got to get to know her. Click the link! That’s her YouTube, and I guess it links to a page dedicated to all her makeup templates. She helped me out but I still had the final say.

She suggested green & gold, and I immediately agreed to it. I played around with what she provided me (thank God nine years in the Glee club taught me a thing or two about stage and photoshoot makeup), and two nights before the shoot, I came up with a look that was kinda convincing for an ethnic peg.

It doesn’t show but I had this thick, deep gold color below my eyes. I almost theorized my skin is gold ‘cause no gold makeup ever made it visible on my face. HAHA!

Miko suggested gold lips but I never got a hold of anything that can make my lips gold.

I planned to do my own makeup for my creative shot yesterday but the lady from Zone 5 who did my hair and makeup (who was very kind, by the way) offered that she’d help me out. I, of course, had to pay. But it was minimal, and I took the chance ‘cause I had to be sure.

She ended up doing this:

She didn’t give me exactly what I wanted but on Kuya Photographer’s shots, it looked as if I were some sort of warrior with fading green stuff on my lids. I liked it. It was pretty :)

And just so you know, the headpiece is a necklace, my necklace. Hihi didn’t want to use any of the props in the studio ‘cause I don’t want to be published with the same props on a photo as someone else’s in our batch. HAHAHA maarte po tayo sa ganun, sorry.

This is me and John (photo by Elisha, with Becca’s gear) - just in case you want to see how I stand beside a 6 footer. He’s so adorable in all his tall & thin splendor. And there on my neck is my lovely headpiece!

Bekah and I didn’t have a photo together, though! Pati kami ni Kenneth! Sayang, man. But we have a shot of us 4 (with John) all together, except Bekah hasn’t uploaded it yet and I’ve been dying to blog already. Haha. Upload na, Bika!

The shoot is finally over! I wasn’t even feeling anything before it started since I was sick the night before until midday yesterday. But all is well, I hope the fever does not show on the photos. I’m sure we would all look awesome!

Thank you Zone 5 for making us all feel like models! Hah! We were all warmly accommodated and I felt such pure talent in the building, from stylists to photographers to graphic artists! Amazing. I know of other studios that come off as intimidating. Zone 5 wasn’t even a wee bit scary. Thanks, you guys!

And now that we’ve all finally gotten over with the shoot, my excitement is guhrrrroooowinggg just as quick as my hair is!

I’ve always had my hair short. Shoulder length (or maybe 2 inches past that) would have to be the longest until now that I had it grown super long for Grad Pic. My Facebook profile photos show this gradual transfo.

Three years old!

Two years ago!

Last year!

Now of course growing my hair didn’t take THAT long. Hahaha! Zzzz. These had always been how I had my hair done.

You see, my hair now has got to be the longest I’ve ever grown it:

I guess I’m gonna miss this. It’s an achievement to get past the awkward stage of fly aways and frizzy ends when it reaches the shoulders!

I’m gonna miss tying it effortlessly in a messy bun when I’m stressed.

I’m gonna miss headbanging and getting back up with an amazing lion look. (HAHAHA seryoso!) I think I’ll be missing my long hair :( but I’ve really looked forward to having it all chopped off again!

Long hair is just not me. And I’ve always been a fan of sticking to your identity ;) a lot of people say this suits me better, but I’d always like try new stuff. Tomorrow, I’m having it cut short, but like… Differently. The kind of short I’ve never yet tried. I hope it works, though. Like, I hope the stylist gets how I describe it. I’ll draw it if I have to! I’m hella excited!

John introduced me to this Korean place about which a lot of good reviews have also been made all over the web. I know it’s good ‘cause they tamed John’s ultra wild hair! (Haha hello John!)

I’ll be revealing the name and the whole experience tomorrow! Watch out for it! (Yep, I’m still pretending y’all are interested! HAHAHA)

Tomorrow! Tomorrow I must bring you guys an update!

Til then!

Peace.

Turn Up The Music
Lemonade Mouth
2011

I miss this feeling!

P.S.
Hayley Kiyoko is insanely amazing.

02 11 ‘11, 11:00pm — Raw

They said a step into this heart is a walk in the wild
You’ve known this from the start, you took by hand
A fierce and complicated heart

Bet no one can keep up with anyone who won’t slow down
For a love worth fighting for, I know you’re still holding on
I’ll hold on to you, too

Despite it all, I’ll hold on, too
It’s difficult, I’ll stay for you
Though we know in time, in pain
Always have been, I am fire, you are rain

Been sending signals, white smoke to the skies
You shower me with your storms of affection
Still you never put me out

Your lightnings hit close, but they’re no use to fire
All I need is some air, a little putting out
But we haven’t gotten far

This is what we know of, what we chose to do
All we know crash into all we want to be
Burning and drowning into what we became
Forgetting I am fire, you are rain

Does it hurt when my flames are too quick for comfort?
Does it burden you that we can never be?
My fire is strong and it can’t wait for you
Your rain should have but it never tamed me

Raise your right hand, with my heart at your left
I’m not one for promises but I want this one kept
Maybe we can change what the world knows from the start
They say fire and rain are better apart

(c) pambuancm

Does anybody know how to hold my heart? ‘Cause I don’t want to let go soon. I want to tell you so, before the sun goes dark, how to hold my heart ‘cause I don’t want to let go of you.

If I Die Young
The Band Perry

“A penny for my thoughts. I’ll sell them for a dollar. They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner, and maybe then you’ll hear he words I been singing. Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening. If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song.”

Death, to me, is just as fascinating as life. So much that I grew unafraid to get ready for it. So much that everyday, I do something I can look back to happily. Death is okay. I mean, it’s not hella scary. It’s the pain that scares some people, I guess.

It’s not easy, of course. It’s not easy to get everything ready before a night ends. I guess this is why I try to look at life not as a separation of 24 hour spans, but as an entire experience. It’s a pretty thought to look down one day at everything you’ve left on Earth, sigh, and in relief say you’ve had just enough time to make beautiful things.

What most people think is that life ends while death is never ending. I’d like to think otherwise, though. I’d like to think there’s a balance to this, and that even when I find myself six feet under, I can still be as good as alive. I always want to leave a mark - in everywhere I go, and on every person’s life I become part of.

Sakit ko na ata yun. I don’t want to be just a random person and being the walking contradiction that I am, I live by the flow BUT I still paddle real hard. At the end of it all, I just want to be remembered. Don’t we all do? But mine might be slightly different. I want to be personally remembered, you know? Like not just remembered as the vocalist, the writer, the funny classmate. I want to touch all lives.

I claimed it as my mission, but I’m all for loving myself, too. I always believed that our very first goal, before we can ever reach out, is simply to open ourselves to God, let Him fill us up completely and overflowing-ly. Only then can we reach out.

Feeling Sorry
Paramore 

“And I’m getting bored waiting ‘round for you. We’re not getting any younger and I won’t look back ‘cause there’s no use. It’s time to move forward. I tried not to think of what might happen when your reality finally cuts through. Well, as for me, I got out and I’m on the road. The worst part it that this this could be you. You know it too, you can’t run from your shame. You’re not getting any younger. Time is passing by but you wave it away. It’s time to roll over.”

But I’m not perfect, and sometimes, my me-time is too strong some missions become over-accomplished. Is that even possible? I think some missions tie me up so tight, and some missions drown me. If I had just a little less emotion and consideration, I would’ve easily left a lot of people for my own dreams, but I guess I’m just not the type. I turn invisible sometimes, but I never really leave.

My last entry is dated October 4th. That’s almost a month in the past and I swear, SOOOOO MUCH has happened since then.

I’ve been busy with thesis, academics, Metro Manila #likeJESUS Conference shoots, the actual MMC, new friends, a party, and doorways to dreams. I’ve made hella huuuuuge mistakes in the past month and I haven’t really cleared all of them out of my system until today. Everything’s seriously moving forward and suddenly, I’m beginning to question the aspects of my life that are too slow for my drive.

The way I live is pretty contradicting. It’s all packed and fast-paced but I’m really chill in between. My reality checks are often filled priorities and goals, but at the same time, I enjoy messing up my own dreams and laughing at my mistakes.

The thing about missions, simple life missions like the one of mine I mentioned earlier, is that it requires you to let go of a particular portion of your heart and soul. What I had to give up was exceptionally difficult to let go. You see, in order to personally leave a mark in people’s lives, I had to slow down my system - and I’m not slow at all! I am a dreamer, and I am very stubborn.

Fast forward from my last entry to about, maybe, a week ago, and you’ll probably see I’m all confused. Along the way, I’ve been struggling to balance my mission to others and my mission to self. It’s a heavy and confusing battle because I don’t want anyone hurt, myself included.

The other day, I cut my most conservative dress into a low V-Back. Another day in the past week, I was, as Joko said it was, unwinding. It was a crazy day. I rolled out of bed down to the floor before I stood up. I blew bubbles and mohawked my shampooed hair in the shower. I jumped up, down, and all around the house with my cellphone as my microphone, headbanging to 70s and 80s rock.

Some things in life are so insane they actually make you feel so good.

I have been looking for this kind of insanity for so long now. Seriously, so long - like for more than a year now. I’m graduating soon (I claim this, like nothing’s gonna delay me) and everything’s gotten so dense. I don’t want to waste my youth and waste my life on nothingness. I always want something going on.

It’s great how this past month has pushed me to loosen up a little but still kept me thinking practically. I’m happier now. I’m seriously happier that my life is going at my ideal pace. Like, everything’s wild and fun, but still smart and secure. Everything’s fast and stubborn, but still dreamy and beautiful.

The pain that remains today (which I’m not complaining about ‘cause pain will always be there to balance life, anyways) is that of sacrifice. I know that this pace I love will always be limited by so many other things which I choose not to get rid of, still. Balance. I’ve always believed in balance. I guess this is it. In the end, all I really ever want to do is love.

When I’m dead, I want to always be remembered by my love.

Haiku ng Isang Antukin

Hayy, may araw na
Three AM nag-hapunan
Good night na ulit

I have blogged twice this morning. I will eat my fudgy, little brownie, brush my teeth, and go to bed to resume my dreaming.

Food Habits Video Ethnography made my body clock a monster.

Good night, 6am.

I should be asleep now but our Manila Food Habits documentary entitled “Altanghap” has messed up my body clock over the weekend ever so badly. I just finished having dinner (it’s a bit past 4am) and I was kept up by my dad who suddenly gave me a crash course on lighting basics and lighting design. I am so drawn by my dad’s sideline job as a technical director for events here and there but lighting has left me totally clueless until minutes ago. My dad shared detailed explanations on how to make use of different kinds and colors of lights and how to never use them all at one blow lest you’ll leave your audience bored with no lighting surprises.

Noticeably, in between his lectures and experience-sharing, he blurts out his occasional collection of “putang ina” remixes (tang ina, tangna, amputa, to name a few) which was probably just as frequent as my mind processes and my chewing. (Mind you, I think and eat a lot.) My dad is NOT a bad person. He has his imperfections, but he is not a bad person.

We live in this world where profane language is smirked upon and yet still so common. It’s probably not the words that some people find offensive. It’s the attitude behind it, or the concluded “lack of values,” as a self-righteous man might say.

I can’t control putting a straight face on whenever I witness people dropping things and wasting all the time in the world cursing to death instead of just picking their stuff up. But we all can’t assume they are bad people, nor can we ever conclude that they lack values. If anything, our shortcomings are probably just as much as theirs. So, why do some people judge based on language? Here’s what I think.

In the dictionary, none of these coined “obscene” words have been actually made to be obscene. Not a single official word has been designed to just be profane and offensive, and over years, all bad words have been a misuse of existing words.

Shit is but slang for feces. Puta has been nothing but a word referring to females who are similar to or are, themselves, sex workers (a product of repression, discrimination and poverty - not a good thing to base a label to). Fuck is suddenly coined as an obscene term for sexual intercourse, which is quite a normal and productive activity in the Kingdom Animalia but is unfortunately used by most forms of media as a concept of intense and obscene sexual gratification. Some other “bad words” are simply referring to certain body parts which must not be taken offensively as everyone possesses these parts. Other words later on evolve.

These words were not in any way designed to be offensive. Although, by some stroke of bad luck, people’s minds began using whatever words they know of as weapons to simply express emotions, or to offend and attack. 

A lot are used to satisfy one’s emotional handling. (Case in point: The “dropping of things” mentioned above.) To some, occasional servings of “shit” followed by a description of an event would suffice to feel a wee bit better. (e.g. “Shit, nanakawan ako,” or “fuck, nawala yung internet, pano ko masesend sa groupmates ko yung docu?”)

Other emotions entail these profanities, too. A lot of happy moments are filled with a bunch of “Shit, ang benta mo! *insert laughter*” or “‘Tang ina, ang saya ng party nya! *insert eager face*”

I’ve known some people, too, who are too cute when they curse. They are the happiest people in the universe who just happen to blurt out profanities in the occurrence of their joy. I never found them offensive. But, I kind of thought it was useless.

In short, everything boils down to the intention.

I am not perfect and I mutter some of these words in my worst days (never to attack other people, only in stressful situations, and less than 1% of my life had it been a putang ina which I believe is toooo much for my mouth and dignity). I am close to my Dad which is probably why the use of these words have been embedded in my mind unconsciously. In moments like this, I always go back to the idea that I have not been helped significantly by these.

The weird thing is this: Many people judge. Now, a lot (myself included) find it uncomfortable hearing all sorts of cursing everywhere, but discomfort is one thing. Judging is another.

To me, never has it been right to conclude that a person lacks values merely for cursing. If anything, one probably just needs a good outlet or two. And nobody needs another all-knowingly perfect person pointing out his imperfections, because while profane language can be as offensive as anything, prejudice can be just as damaging. Who’s offensive now?

I also think that a lot of the cursing made in this world is very useless. However, we do not need to point that out as if we have never done useless things in our life, too.

To be with people who curse a lot won’t hurt us immensely. The challenge is to be their source of happiness. Be their secret sanctuary, their outlet. Be a part of how they handle their emotions, angry or chill, happy or not. Just be there.

We are not in any position to change a person’s use of language just because we find it offensive. We’re only here to be good people and not to force others to be good in our own little definition of “good.”

I am not, nor was I ever, a fan of the use of these words. However, I think there are so many other deeper concepts in life more important than profanities. Language is an important factor, but is never the sole basis of a person’s attitude and personality.

Some could be offended by it, but we have no right to offend back.